Hold Your Breath For A Little Bit Longer

I'm a disgusting mess. I'm all over the place. I have no one to talk to. No one to help me when I'm actually ready to ask for it. I have no one to blame but myself. My repeated experiences with trusting those who end up betraying me has drastically changed my relationships with people. I've literally pushed everyone away.

I still have this huge fear of turning into my mother. I try so hard not to be like her which is only making me more like her. If I stop trying though, I might become her even quicker so I can't risk that. I don't know what to do. I feel the only way to fully become my own person, in every sense of the phrase, is to leave. Leave the environment I'm in that would cause me to be like her. Be sad like her, be sensitive like her, be ignorant like her, be angry like her, and be fearful like she is. I don't want that. I'm better than that. I AM BETTER THAN THAT.

I need to find closure with this whole thing with that one boy. I need closure for not only myself but for a few other people's benefit. I'm tired of feeling so lonely and then running to whichever boy feels gutsy enough to tell me how he feels about me. I hate doing that, and I know how it feels, but I do it anyways. It's horrible. I'm ashamed of myself. This isn't me, this isn't what I stand for. It's causing me to become obsessed with my weight and appearance. I'm not happy, not at all. I want to be confident, and happy and most of all, independent.