Deaf DJ

I'm going to Santa Barbara tomorrow for my cousin's photo exhibit. Everyone, who's anyone living in this house, knows that we can't afford it though. I don't like having to bring 80 dollars of my own money for "just in case" purposes. I'm excited but I would rather just go to Berkeley with Dewey; it's cheap.

I'm just an angry kid. Angry at the Man, angry at my dad, angry at my mom, angry at my nearly empty box of money, angry at Mike, angry at Chris, angry at all the food goin' in mah fuckin' mouth, and I'm angry at confusion. The confusion of how one should live. Even the people who claim to say there is no perfect way to live, still say there's "better ways" to live one's life. It's so overwhelming. I feel like I know too much, or I feel too much.

I used to think that the human body (including the emotional state, and mental state as well as physical) could withstand any emotional or mental obstacle of any amount. There could be this huge huge huge catastrophe where someone was left completely traumatized but if they were willing to overcome it–meaning they would accept it, learn and grow from it, embrace the knowledge, and use it for one's own good or for other's–they could totally fine. Like there is no carrying capacity for the human psyche, or heart, or soul. I think I've reached mine though. I feel like my hearts too big which causes me to care too much which hurts me, or others, in the end; also, I feel like I know too much for my own good. Curiosity isn't killing the cat, it's the knowledge that's helping create so much fear that I can't fucking do anything with all my potential.

That's one of the worst things; knowing you have all the potential in the world to make a huge impact on an enormous amount of people, but because of one little thing you can't do it.


p.s. I'm watching a movie where a deejay goes deaf. That's one of my biggest fears.