it's a process. a process is what it is.

Loving and caring for one's own self before anyone else is essential. It is essential just as much as it is difficult. The burden that is placed upon another when one does not care about themselves is nearly fatal. It causes you to lose site of where you came from, who you are, who you were, and where you're going. It demands you to be so deep into the moment that you feel like you're sinking into the earth. You cannot breath. You become meek. You stammer uncontrollably while the other stares at you silently, clenching their jaw so tight you imagine every tooth cracking inside their mouths and taste of a mouthful of pennies. Eventually you manage to depersonalize and when you come back to reality things are over and they're gone. You're left feeling relieved but still anxious and the combination of the two result in ambivalence.